Less Hitler, More Funk

We required a huge investment in talent acquisition through various human resources initiatives to re-open our office after everyone either left voluntarily or got arrested, extradited, or fired.

We figured that out after moving into our new digs and realizing that we were so preoccupied with buying new suits that we forgot to hire the people who actually show up every day to get stuff done.

Granted, our preoccupation will forever be justified, given the import of the 21stCentury Suit.

The 21st Century Suit

Is essentially the “sans tie” approach…no Modern Business Leaders wear ties with suits anymore, but rather walk around with both jackets open and (most importantly) the first few buttons of their fairly stiff-collared dress shirts undone as if to say, “Hey, I’m Serious Business but also cool and sexy as evidenced by the top 2 ¼ inches of my hairy/non-hairy chest I’ve exposed in this boardroom. You’re welcome.”

Which, upon reflection, is proof that women are clearly more qualified to submit to.

Maybe we’ll forgo the The 21st Century Suit and return to our former look, “The Hoodie Or T-Shirt,” which seems to have really caught on based on what we see people wearing during the random corporate team Zoom meetings we hack into during lunch for raucous entertainment.

Corporate Team Lectures Oops We Mean Zoom Meetings

It’s truly a delight to spy on these disastrous events. Regardless of team-size or industry, inevitably the boss does 90% of the talking, with the remaining airtime inhaled by the primary lieutenants/sycophants (9.5%), leaving a robust .5% for questions, feedback, and insight from the poor bastards tasked with actually getting stuff done (if they’re not running for cover based on the other 99.5% they just witnessed).

The delight comes not from reveling in the fact that most meetings are boring lectures, but rather from the facial expressions of all attendees. We even came up with an elaborate Gantt Chart to document observed expressions, what they communicate, and why…which we affectionately coined The Physiological Face Algorithm From Lectures Disguised As Business Meetings Study.

We even submitted our findings to the Paul Ekman Group’s Facial Action Coding System (FACS)—which has been fundamental in shaping the entire field of facial expression analysis. But they said “HARD PASS” (literally, that’s all their email said) since charts outside of finance, science, engineering, and math are frequently deployed to make insignificant work look significant, and we were certainly guilty of dipping our toes into that realm of cheap manipulation given our industry and overall specializations.

Speaking of which, take a peek at the key findings from our The Physiological Face Algorithm From Lectures Disguised As Business Meetings Study via these fun bullet points…which…ah…well, bullet points are also basically a form of cheap manipulation. But don’t worry about it.

Key Findings From The Physiological Face Algorithm From Lectures Disguised As Business Meetings Studying (HarperCollins, 2024)

Boss

Expression: raised eyebrows, narrowed eyes, pursed lips, occasional vacant stare

Communicates: superiority, dismissiveness, indifference

Because: they feel vulnerable, inadequate, and confused…or possibly possess sociopathic tendencies

Sycophant

Expression: open mouth, dropped jaw, closed eyes

Communicates: intense pleasure

Because: trapped in dopamine feedback loop, low self-esteem and/or unusually high ambition

Worker

Expression: neutral, emotionless, lack of responsiveness to environmental stimuli

Communicates: oblivion

Because: no idea of where they are, how they got there, or what they should be doing

You Can See Why We Needed HR Help

While our exploration of topics like office appropriate clothing, the pointlessness of meetings, and the irony of leadership may seem like willing distractions from getting our operation off the ground, you’re right. But stuff takes as long as it takes, and we finally snagged a great human resources initiative. Her name is Panama, and while her neck tattoo implies she was once in a Norwegian prison, we couldn’t be happier with her work so far.

Granted, Panama made a big deal about not taking our proposed title of “Chief People Officer” because she said that it was “totally from the ‘90s.” And has thus crowned herself “Workforce Experience Designer” and taken the one office in this building that has windows. And a plant.

That’s okay. Panama got us a new comptroller and he’s great, even though we don’t know what comptrollers are supposed to do. And she’s currently hiring a bunch more people with varying talents and skillsets we need, at least according to their suspiciously-perfect resumes, which we didn’t know were still a thing. What a terrible way to hire someone.

But Panama is the expert at what she does, so in the meantime we’re just staying out of her way as she gets this office in tip-top shape, bans V-necks and other male-chest-exposing formal- and informal-wear, and generally takes over the entire operation and bosses us around. Today she told us we should be ready to open next week.

We’ll let you know how that goes.

Thanks for reading! Get someone you only moderately like to join the club. It’s fine, we have really low standards. And maybe it will give you both something to talk about.