Bring Back The Atlas

Panama threw a fit on (of all days) Monday because she found out our employee manual is a coloring book.

Well, she was pissed both at the fact it’s a coloring book bearing strong resemblance to what one would find in the glove box of grandpa’s 1972 Buick Skylark…and that we called it a “manual.”

Apparently it should be called a “handbook” as dictated by modern Human Resources Thought Leadership Innovations. + Panama.

But to Panama we’re all like, “Look, these things are instruction manuals at best, not some kind of metaphysical guide. Plus employees just skip right to the benefits section, specifically PTO. Then they forget the policy when they need it, curse and go look it up, or worse, they email YOU about it. So we saved everyone a lot of pain by removing all the meaningless stuff. Besides, coloring is fun, it relaxes people."

But Panama missed most of that because she stormed off muttering something about being a bank teller again.

We’re quite proud of 1972 Buick Skylark GS Sportwagon Owner’s Manual For The Productivity-Obsessed Employee, particularly the meaningless sections we cut out, which are as follows:

Welcome!

· Mission – Page 1

· Vision – Page 2

· Values – Page 3

· Settling In – Page 4

Working Here

· Work Arrangements – Page 5

· Personnel Files & Data Changes – Page 6

· Verifications & References – Page 7

· Performance Management – Page 8

· Salary & Wage Review – Page 9

· Separation – Page 10

· Hours of Work – Page 11

· Attendance & Communication – Page 12

· Rest & Meal Period – Page 13

· Work Conduct – Page 14

…..and on and on this claptrap used to go, all the way through State Addendums 1-14, which mercifully concluded on page 77.

That’s right, we kept the only thing employees care about: benefits. Specifically and as listed in our table of contents…

· PTO

· Holidays

· Parental Leave

· Health Insurance

· Flexible Spending Accounts

· 401K,

· Life Insurance + Disability

…so the whole thing is seven pages long.

And it’s not so much a coloring book (although we invite the employees to color the Buick Skylark parked outside the LA Coliseum on the cover as well as the Buick Skylarks stuck in a traffic jam on the Michigan Street Bridge on the back) as much as we wrote it in crayon.

Which must be the real reason Panama is mad at us, as it presents as slightly unprofessional.

Speaking of which, to accommodate the big fat font one generates from writing in crayon, this manual is published in the traditional “atlas” paper/book format — 26 x 34 inches with padded faux leather covers ala the Time Life Books The Old West Series, perfect for our employees to display on their coffee tables at home, although we’re starting to think they don’t do that, despite their encouraging nods when we make the suggestion.

Yet we’ve found this manual does a lot of fire prevention for us. Its mere existence is the subject of social media lore, so for the most part no one gets a job offer without already knowing they’re going to get this thing on day one. That means the people who think this is a dumb idea self-select out of our process in advance, so we don’t have to incur the expense of interviewing, hiring, training, then firing them later because they suck.

Frankly we can’t believe other businesses don’t do this.

As for the people who self-select in thanks to this lovely manual, we find they tend to be on the adaptable / resilient / collaborative / empathetic / authentic / good listeners / diligent / critical thinking beyond compliance / perpetual learners / deliver clear and useful feedback side of things.

It’s simply grand.

PLUS we save a ton of time = money because we don’t have to dedicate an entire section of our website to completely inaccurate representations of our values, culture, mission, vision, and overall work environment.

Especially that campy bit to demonstrate how “fun” workplace is through photos of staff half-heartedly smiling at the camera while giving flaccid thumbs ups during company mandated on-site social gatherings, typically featuring turkey wraps with romaine lettuce and sun-dried tomato tortillas sitting in plastic clamshell containers the office admin bought at Costco the day before.

Or those employee quotes. Oh man…the poor bastards. Imagine the corporate communications person sending you your pre-written quote and it has the words “joy” and “adventure” used to describe what it’s like to come to work. Or simply writing your own quote, then waiting for it to be “approved.”

Besides, we’ve always wondered the seemingly important topics of values, culture, mission, vison, and work environment, are always sequestered to the back of the company website, typically in the “Careers” or “About Us” sections. It’s as if no one wants them found, yet an irresistible urge or possibly legal reasons exist for them to be documented.

It’s baffling.

If you want to recruit cool people, just make something cool instead, and let other people talk about it. That’s essentially the way businesses grow.

Although patience for growth is a key requirement so maybe that explains everything. Including Panama’s continued tenure here. That woman is a saint. 

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